What's In Your Head?

Well, I thought I would be better at this whole writing about what matters to me. However, just like everything else in my life, I start with these grandiose ideas, and then I can never bring them to fruition. I think this may be one of the things I hate most about my mental illness. It's frustrating, infuriating, and sometimes even humiliating.

This symptom is not just difficult for the sufferer, but it also affects everyone around the patient. It is hard to describe to someone who has never experienced it because it sounds so much like laziness. I can promise you that it is not. I didn't even know it had a name until after my psychotic break earlier this year. In some ways, I feel validated because it has a name, but most people will probably still view the patient, or myself, as incompetent and lazy.

This is from an article on VeryWellMind.com.

Examples of Avolition

• The inability to start or complete paying bills even when urgent

• Ignoring incoming phone calls, letters, or emails

• Failing to make or follow up with an important appointment

• Failing to show up for a scheduled event or meeting

• Failing to deal with everyday responsibilities with family or children

• Not tending to your personal hygiene or appearance

When someone with avolition says, "I'm doing my best", they truly mean it. I have said that sentence more times than I can count in my own life! A few times, I've had the loved one I was speaking to tell me very sternly that I was not. NOT doing the best I could at the time. Which, in a way, is kind of ridiculous because no one knows what another is actually feeling inside. To the loved one, I'm sure that it appears that I don't care or that I'm just lazy, but that couldn't be further from the truth. That brings another annoying symptom to mind. Mind-reading.

I guess the mind-reading really goes along with the paranoia. I "think" people are talking about me or I "think" I know what the other person is thinking and feeling. I then don't respond in a way that would make sense to the other person because I am responding to the story I have set up in my head regarding the situation at hand. This has led to many a disagreement and a lot of hurts.

Not to make fun, but I have several friends and loved ones who have serious RBF. So many times I have asked these people what was wrong or what did I do wrong because my brain immediately assesses their facial expressions and I am paranoid it's about me. My own Mother has one of those faces where you can't really tell if she's furious or just relaxing. I'm sure I've driven her crazy over the years constantly asking her what was wrong or wondering what I did to upset her.

The paranoia and mind-reading and this wicked avolition are all so hard for me to deal with, but I also feel guilty, and sometimes shameful, because of how it all affects the people I love and care about. I wish I could explain it better right now. I'm hopeful that this blog will be both supportive and educational and we can all learn and support each other together.

Just remember, it's OK to not be OK. Just don't do it alone.

Debbie C.