Welcome To The Jungle (in my head)

I have started writing this in my head so many times, but just can't find the perfect words. My apologies for the long read, but it's important to me and I appreciate your attention. Recently, I heard a very profound quote that has helped push me to just be honest and write this... "You only ever know people to the extent that they allow you to know them." My entire life, I have always struggled and felt different from everyone else. Although I always made friends easily, I could never completely understand why I felt so alone. I tried so hard to fit in and became a chameleon, fitting in with different groups of people, which is not always a bad thing. I loved having a variety of friends! I know it's silly, but I always blamed it on being a Gemini. You know, different personalities. It was fun when I was younger and much easier to joke about. Little did I know that this would be a lifelong process and there would be a good reason for it, among other things. I always like to know the "why" of situations. When there is a legitimate reason for someone's actions, behaviors, words, etc... it is much easier for me to understand, empathize and have compassion. For me personally, I have just always wanted to be understood and loved unconditionally. Perhaps I took it to extremes and hid the worst parts of me from most people - to my detriment. I have been isolating a lot recently and I know that I have pushed people away unintentionally. I guess it feels a little like self-preservation? I truly don't want this to come across as me making excuses for my behavior, however there are several things that I simply just can not help, but I am getting help for. I am not just lazy or stupid or lacking morals, as some people in my life have often believed. There has really only been a handful of people throughout my life who truly know me. I never intentionally set out to deceive anyone, especially not those I'm closest to. I think that I just had it set in my mind that if I were totally honest, everyone would run away from me. Part of me thought that I was doing the world a favor by keeping things to myself, but it has only ever hurt me and those I love. Earlier this year, I went into psychosis and had to enter a treatment facility. I'm not quite the same person as before this episode and people in my life are noticing. There's no more hiding for me. I have struggled my whole adult life with so many things that other people seem to do effortlessly, even with simple everyday life skills. I always felt like I missed some instructions for life somewhere, but that everyone else had a copy! Looking back, I realized that I have had symptoms of mental illness since childhood. I think I was about 8 years old when I first had an audio hallucination. I have this very clear memory in my head of walking down the road with my friend Sherry and suddenly asking her if she could hear the radio station. You see, I truly believed at the time that I had so many fillings in my teeth that I could pick up radio stations! I used to tell other friends and family, but no one thought that was weird? I'm sure they probably dismissed it as my colorful imagination, but to me it was very real. It still is. This blog is going to be honest, and I may even lose a few friends, but if it helps just one other person, like myself, from not feeling all alone and scared, then it will all be worth it. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of not being completely honest with people I love. I'm tired of being scared to be honest! I realize that I don't have any control of how others react, I just pray that they try to understand. I truly want to help others, like myself. It's just really difficult sometimes when I'm the one who needs help first. I want us to be seen and heard. Not everyone with mental illness is able to communicate as well as I can, so I feel that it is my duty to stand up for those who can not do it for themselves. In high school, I used to have a button (90s flair) that said, "Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm Schizophrenic and so am I!" It was hilarious at the time, albeit a bit deceiving. You see, Schizophrenia is different from someone with multiple personalities, now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder. I actually have a form of Schizophrenia called Schizoaffective Disorder. It's kind of like putting Schizophrenia in a blender and then adding some anxiety, depression, and bi-polar in the mix. I'm also blessed with ADHD and PTSD, so there's a lot going on upstairs! I will discuss symptoms in greater detail in a later post. My mental illness has affected almost every part of my life and more than just my mental health. I never realized just how much my mental health affects my physical health, until this past year. It has been quite a journey. From the Mayo Clinic website. Schizoaffective Disorder symptoms that I experience:

Mood: anxiety, euphoria, hopelessness, limited range of emotions, loss of interest or pleasure in activities, or mood swings

Psychological: depression, hallucination, paranoia, psychosis, hearing voices, or grandiosity

Behavioral: social isolation, impulsivity, restlessness, self-harm, or sudden increases in energy

Cognitive: belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, delusion, thought disorder, racing thoughts, or false belief of superiority

Also common: appetite changes, rapid and frenzied speaking, or thoughts of suicide I have a feeling that there will be a few people who disagree or want to argue about my illnesses, so let me clarify. I was first diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder in 1999. I hated the medicines I was given, had allergic reactions to a few, and the Psychiatrist had zero bedside manner! So, I decided that he was wrong, stopped taking the meds (except for one antidepressant back then), and was never completely honest with another doctor again. The first couple of years after that, I was very intentional with what I told the doctors, but after a few years, I had almost brainwashed myself to forget that I needed help for more than just depression and anxiety and I hid it as best I could. I self-medicated with alcohol in between long stretches of sobriety and hurt a lot of people that I love and care about. Lying by omission is still lying and I did not hide anything very well from the people I lived with. They all deserve a medal for putting up with me! Seriously. Anyway, it is much easier to fool the Primary Care Physician than it is the Psychiatrist, so I always just let my PCP take care of my mental health meds. Yes, this was a horrible, stupid idea! And also yes, I have received not only a second opinion but a third as well, and I'm being treated by an amazing Psychiatrist and Therapist. Well, that was supposed to be a "Welcome" post! I thank you so much for reading all of that. I truly want to help my neurodivergent peers navigate this neurotypical world successfully. At least let them know that they are not alone. And someone out there really cares! If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis, The Suicide and Crisis Hotline can now be accessed simply by dialing 988. Please don't be ashamed or embarrassed. It's completely OK to reach out for help! I would be honored if you would share this with friends and family. I'd really like to have a successful blog one day soon that actually helps people. I want to help end the stigma of mental illness. I want to give others hope. I don't want anyone to feel that they are completely alone on this journey.

More posts coming soon! Thank you so much for your time and attention! Blessings to all of you, Debbie C.